Rejoining the Workforce

Less than a week ago I was Brainstorming for Potential Job.  I was so excited about this position, as an Accounting Specialist for Community Mental Health Center, that I sent an e-mail thanking them for the interview and reiterating how interested I was.  The next day, I got a phone call from the hospital, nearly a week after the date they were supposed to have made a decision on the Central Supply Technician position.  They offered me the job.

I panicked.  I had already accepted the idea that I didn’t get this job and moved on to other things.  I knew if the Accounting Specialist position was offered to me, I would take it, even if it meant quitting a job I had just started.  So I declined the offer.  As soon as I hung up the phone I started having a complete meltdown about what a mistake it was.  I was sobbing so hard that I threw up.  I couldn’t believe I was so stupid as to turn down a job offer when I certainly wouldn’t get the job I wanted.

I had to go outside to stay safe from myself, and try to distract my thoughts by playing Kindle games on the lawn swing.  Eventually I was able to come back inside, at which point I started working on a coloring page to soothe myself.  After using about half a dozen different DBT skills, I was finally calm.  I chose to accept the idea that I had passed up a job opportunity in pursuit of one I truly felt passionate about.

The next day I checked my e-mail and found that, mere hours after I turned down the job at the hospital, I had received an e-mail from Community Mental Health Center letting me know that although my skills were “impressive”, they had chosen to pursue other candidates for the job.  I was a strange mix of devastated and unsurprised.  I couldn’t even cry about it.  Somehow, I managed to experience both rational thinking and feeling bold simultaneously, and I e-mailed the HR department at the hospital to ask if the Central Supply Technician position was still available.  I had no hope for that, which may be why I was able to ask.

Another day passed and my phone rang.  It was the lady from the hospital, saying she had discussed it with the supervisor who interviewed me and they were willing to re-offer me the position.  I snapped it up immediately and scheduled my pre-employment physical and drug testing, which take place tomorrow.  I notified my employment specialist of the job, and she is contacting Vocational Rehabilitation to let them know their services will not be needed after all.

I am sorry to say that I am not as thrilled as my employment specialist.  I am, rather, disappointed and apprehensive.  I’m sure this job is perfectly good and I will do fine and learn to enjoy it, but it’s not what I was hoping for.  Also, I’m very nervous about the fact that it’s an occasional position.  I am worried that once I get through my 4 weeks of training there will be too long of a gap before I work again and I won’t remember what I’m supposed to do.  I’m worried that they’ll expect me to be able to show up on a moment’s notice, even though I said in the interview that this would be very difficult for me.  I’m just plain worried, and my psych APRN has so nicely informed me that he’s not going to increase my BuSpar dose because anxiety about a new job is to be expected.

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