I’m up to four suicide methods, two for work and two for home. I have access to what I’d need for all four of them. I feel much better now – I suppose this is probably due to having a way out if I choose to take it. So really that’s not a case of things being better.
I met with Nadia on Thursday and Joan on Friday. Both meetings felt helpful while I was having them, but as soon as I actually got to work those days their advice just crumbled. Nadia pushed the DBT skills every second of our meeting, and then when I was working I couldn’t seem to make use of them. Joan and I agreed that I would share my list of things I can and can’t do so far with my supervisor. The supervisor was not there on Friday, so I ended up e-mailing her today despite worrying that e-mail is not the best way to communicate with her.
Thursday and Friday were my first two days on the 3-11:30 shift. The job was not objectively that bad either day. That shift actually is pretty laid back compared to the others. A few carts to restock, but a lot of the time is spent just waiting for people to call and request items. On Friday I even got to contribute to a major project and was pleased to have helped. Still, I kept thinking about dying. Every time I’m at work, I tell myself that when I get off I will call the on-call therapist. However, I feel better when I’m off the clock, and I always talk myself out of it.
Tomorrow and Tuesday I am working yet another different shift (10-6:30). I feel okay about what I will have to do, and it may finally give me a chance to tackle some of the carts that no one ever lets me try on my own. I’ll be slower than a snail, but that’s the only way for me to really learn. I’m hoping I’ll feel better while I’m actually there those days, as I see Sadie on Wednesday and at this point I have a legitimate fear of her sending me to inpatient.