Four Methods

I’m up to four suicide methods, two for work and two for home.  I have access to what I’d need for all four of them.  I feel much better now – I suppose this is probably due to having a way out if I choose to take it.  So really that’s not a case of things being better.

I met with Nadia on Thursday and Joan on Friday.  Both meetings felt helpful while I was having them, but as soon as I actually got to work those days their advice just crumbled.  Nadia pushed the DBT skills every second of our meeting, and then when I was working I couldn’t seem to make use of them.  Joan and I agreed that I would share my list of things I can and can’t do so far with my supervisor.  The supervisor was not there on Friday, so I ended up e-mailing her today despite worrying that e-mail is not the best way to communicate with her.

Thursday and Friday were my first two days on the 3-11:30 shift.  The job was not objectively that bad either day.  That shift actually is pretty laid back compared to the others.  A few carts to restock, but a lot of the time is spent just waiting for people to call and request items.  On Friday I even got to contribute to a major project and was pleased to have helped.  Still, I kept thinking about dying.  Every time I’m at work, I tell myself that when I get off I will call the on-call therapist.  However, I feel better when I’m off the clock, and I always talk myself out of it.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am working yet another different shift (10-6:30).  I feel okay about what I will have to do, and it may finally give me a chance to tackle some of the carts that no one ever lets me try on my own.  I’ll be slower than a snail, but that’s the only way for me to really learn.  I’m hoping I’ll feel better while I’m actually there those days, as I see Sadie on Wednesday and at this point I have a legitimate fear of her sending me to inpatient.

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