A Confusing Account of Confusion

I’m confused as to why I’m not in inpatient.  Not that I’m saying I want to be.  Nor that I’m saying I don’t want to be.  Just that given the thoughts I’ve had in the past week, I’m surprised that everyone seems so calm and so willing to let me roam free.  I guess this is a compliment, in that they trust that I will reach out for help if I’m in imminent danger, but I suspect that trust is misplaced.  So many times in the past week I have promised myself that I would call for help, and then talked myself out of it.  I went and purchased supplies for a suicide method, and know where to get supplies for three others.  The first time I got sent to inpatient I didn’t even have access to my chosen method, and there’s a good chance I would have chickened out on going to buy it.

But like I said, don’t necessarily want or not want to be there, just want to understand why I’m so scared of what I might do and no one else is.  Right now, I don’t have any serious suicidal urges.  I’m feeling much better than I was a week ago.  I don’t trust things to stay this way though.  Yet if someone suggested inpatient, I’d probably tell that person that I can’t just be locked up any time there’s a chance I could harm myself, because there’s always that chance.

I know this is less coherent than I usually am.  I don’t know how to put words on what I’m feeling.  I guess part of me is disappointed that I have to keep fighting and keep going to work and trying to cope.


2 thoughts on “A Confusing Account of Confusion

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. During the times I experienced what I can only assume you are, at least in my racing/spinning/screwed up thoughts, even though i was confused & not in a rational, safe state of mind I felt out of control over my descision making, powerless to my illness, but that i held power over my ultimate fate. That in itself scared me, but at the same time knowing I could surrender that difficult responsibility & depend on those that were in a position to help me, but I was afraid of ultimatelly losing the ability to be powerless/not in control. Often I didn’t seek help thinking I wasn’t as bad as I was, even convincing staff I was fine or leaving AMA. It’s a really hard situation. I you think your health or most importantly your life is in immenant danger, please seek emergency care immediately. Best of luck!


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