I’m confused as to why I’m not in inpatient. Not that I’m saying I want to be. Nor that I’m saying I don’t want to be. Just that given the thoughts I’ve had in the past week, I’m surprised that everyone seems so calm and so willing to let me roam free. I guess this is a compliment, in that they trust that I will reach out for help if I’m in imminent danger, but I suspect that trust is misplaced. So many times in the past week I have promised myself that I would call for help, and then talked myself out of it. I went and purchased supplies for a suicide method, and know where to get supplies for three others. The first time I got sent to inpatient I didn’t even have access to my chosen method, and there’s a good chance I would have chickened out on going to buy it.
But like I said, don’t necessarily want or not want to be there, just want to understand why I’m so scared of what I might do and no one else is. Right now, I don’t have any serious suicidal urges. I’m feeling much better than I was a week ago. I don’t trust things to stay this way though. Yet if someone suggested inpatient, I’d probably tell that person that I can’t just be locked up any time there’s a chance I could harm myself, because there’s always that chance.
I know this is less coherent than I usually am. I don’t know how to put words on what I’m feeling. I guess part of me is disappointed that I have to keep fighting and keep going to work and trying to cope.