Self-Esteem Relies On Others

I’ve had two days back at work.  Remember how I was so bored while I was off and so eager to get back to work?  I’m already complaining and counting down until quitting time.  Remember how having surgery changed my perspective and I didn’t feel suicidal anymore?  Suicidal thoughts on the first day of work.  I’m so frustrated with myself.  It’s like my mind refuses to be happy.

I don’t feel like I will ever be ready to work independently without my coworkers to lean on.  I still have so many questions every day.  Every day of work is completely different, with new requests that I’m not sure how to fill.  I get stuck on the things I don’t know and the mistakes I make and am blind to the things I’m doing well.  It doesn’t seem to matter that I did one thing right when there’s a wrong to cancel it out.

Tuesday I got a call from one outpatient department, requesting supplies for another outpatient department.  I was told that we don’t fill orders for outpatient departments, and called back to tell this person the proper procedure for submitting a requisition.  The person I spoke with on my return call got rather snippy with me, and basically demanded the item.  I went back to the storeroom in tears.  I was stuck.  Either I make this caller unhappy, or I make my department unhappy.  I hate when people are upset with me.  My entire self-esteem rests on being liked.  I ended up filling the order, and when I spoke to my supervisor about it she said it was fine to fill an order if it was stat.  Well, that makes sense and all, but won’t these departments catch on that all they have to do is say “stat” and they’ll get what they want without following the proper procedure?  I also hate ambiguity.

And have I mentioned how much I hate phones?  A large portion of my work involves answering phone call after phone call, in which the callers are often incredibly vague about what they want, or use terminology that is not the same as my department’s.  Early in my employment, I was asked for a “condom catheter”.  After scanning through a lengthy list of items we stock, I finally came up with “catheter, male external”.  Condom did appear on the label – in the French translation.  I actually did manage to solve that mystery myself, but I often have to ask my coworkers what the heck the callers are asking for.  Next week I will be alone for 3 hours of one workday.  I will just have to cross my fingers and hope that the phone is quiet during that time.

I’m using a lot of the Keeping It In Perspective skill, and the Encouragement part of IMPROVE.  I talk to myself at work a lot, saying things like, “It’s okay, this mistake is fixable” and “You can do this, don’t worry.”  Some days it helps more than others.  Some days I believe my encouragement, and other days I grumble at myself to stop lying to myself.


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