A couple of days ago at work I was having an ice cream snack in the cafeteria with some coworkers when the crew lead came rushing in to round us up for emergency re-tagging of items. Some idiot, namely me, had spent the two previous days tagging 10 boxes of IV tubing…with the wrong stickers. We all jumped in to peel off the incorrect stickers and put on new ones, and those of us on the day shift ended up having to stay 15 minutes late to get it done.
I felt horrible. In my mind, my coworkers were thinking how incompetent I am and wishing I didn’t work there. I commented to one of them that the last time I made such a huge work mistake I ended up in inpatient that day. Granted that was not specifically because of the work mistake, but if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have wanted to leave work early and wouldn’t have seen the on-call therapist and she wouldn’t have freaked out over a little bit of writing on my arm.
In the evening I got a Facebook message from this coworker, with information about the National Suicide Lifeline. Oops. I didn’t mean to alarm her. I was upset, but not suicidally so. I mentioned this in passing to the crew lead the next day, as it was kind of humorous to me, and she started giving me a lecture on how I’m too hard on myself and the job is not anything to kill myself over.
I mentioned how dangerously close to it I was during my first few weeks of employment there, and she asked if I had talked to the supervisor about it. Why on earth would I do that? It was hard enough asking to not be scheduled for more than 3 days in a row. I don’t want the supervisor to know what a weak and pathetic person I am. The funny thing is, I never had a problem with my supervisor at my previous job knowing that. I guess because I felt like I was good enough at that job. With this one, I feel like I’m fumbling along trying to not let anyone see how truly incompetent I am.