About a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible heartburn. I ended up having to spend the rest of the night sleeping upright on the couch. The heartburn has been recurrent since then – never quite so bad as that first time, but then I’ve also started taking medication when it crops up, so I don’t know how bad it would really get.
At the same time, I lost my appetite. This normally only happens when I’m manic, but I am decidedly not manic. In fact, I fluctuate between normal and mildly depressed, with about 1/3 of days in the past month spent in a mildly depressed state. When I’m depressed my typically healthy appetite turns into non-stop eating, but right now the exact opposite is happening.
I manage to eat half or less of most meals, if I even bother getting a meal at all instead of opting for a cup of Jell-O (which I don’t always finish). On Thanksgiving I gave half my turkey away to my cats. Tonight I went to a friend’s house for her belated Thanksgiving and despite taking the smallest portion imaginable of each dish I was still having to force the food down by the end of the meal.
My coworkers have been nagging me to reschedule my December 17th doctor’s appointment for an earlier date, and when I finally did give in and call the office was closed for Black Friday, which I pretty much expected when I called. This is probably why I was willing to call then, because I knew it wouldn’t lead to anything. It occurred to me tonight that some part of me is putting this off in the hopes that it’s serious and could be fatal if left untreated. I can’t actively try to kill myself without jeopardizing my graduation from DBT group, but I can let a serious illness go unchecked.
I screwed up tonight. Two people who I’ve been involved with via their professions have been in some community activities I participated in. There is only the slimmest chance I would ever again have to deal with them as professionals, so after months of waiting and wondering if it was okay, I tried to friend them on Facebook tonight. I’d just given them a Christmas card when I saw them at an event, and one of them even hugged me.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I had myself convinced they were going to accept. Not only did they reject my friend requests, but they untagged themselves in the photos I posted from tonight’s event. There was no hesitation where they could have considered the possibility of accepting. There was no message to say “I’m sorry, but I can’t accept.” Just the silent rejection.
Now I’m trapped. Not only do I have to face them for at least two, maybe three more events in the next couple of weeks, but I also can’t ever again make use of two services. If anything ever goes wrong with my job, I can’t get help finding a new one. If I’m ever unable to keep myself safe, I can’t be protected from myself. And right now I don’t even want to keep myself safe. All I can see is how I can never do the right thing and am always going to be a completely worthless failure with terrible judgment.
I’m seriously thinking about cutting myself and lying on my diary card. I wonder how long it would take before I caved in and confessed to Sadie? I’m counting on not going back to DBT group after this year, but I wonder if I even care that much about actually graduating?