I’m writing this on my phone so it will be shorter than usual, but I wanted to share that I’m really glad I went to inpatient last week. I wish I had done it 6 months ago, although that would have been bad timing with my then-new job.
I started asking Brent for Lamictal over a year ago. He consistently put it off, trying to fiddle with dosages on my existing meds instead of trying anything new. When I threw the idea out there in inpatient, I expected to get a similar response from Dr. Bhatia. Imagine my surprise when he said, “Okay.” Well, what he actually said was, “Four medications is a lot, but that’s a class you aren’t already on.”
A week and a half later, I feel stable. I’ve had days here and there in the past that felt okay, even sometimes several days in a row, but this sense that I am calm and can handle stress and everything is going to be okay? That’s totally new.
For the past few days I’ve been on vacation, staying with my best friend, her husband, and their 5-year-old daughter. Their daughter is intense, to put it mildly. She has not calmed down any since my last visit in summer 2014, and has actually been wilder since she’s getting over chicken pox and has been cooped up in the house. On my last visit I had a very difficult time handling her and had to practice my newly-learned mindfulness skills to survive the week. This visit is going much smoother for me. The mindfulness skills are much easier to put into practice now, partially because I’ve been using them longer, but mostly because I’m just not feeling the stress.
There have been some studies that indicate Lamictal is also helpful for the day-to-day mood swings associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it feels like that might be true. There have been the occasional thoughts of suicide or self-harm popping into my head, but instead of temptation to do it I just think, “Gee, why would I want to do that?” The real test will come when I am back home and have my first conflict with mom since my release from inpatient.