Today is my blog’s 2nd birthday. I wish I had something insightful to say at this point, but instead I’m just going to talk a little about how I feel. February was a little rocky, as always happens in February, and as a result Brent didn’t think I needed medication changes but instead to just wait it out and see how I feel in March.
Well, last Friday I was reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul book, and instead of being inspired I was struck by what a worthless pathetic person I am for struggling so much with problems that seem so trivial. I started to cry about this, and over the two hours of crying it developed into recognizing that my thoughts and my actions – the bad things I’ve done and the good things I haven’t – make me a horrible monster. I was convinced that I should have died 2 years ago when this whole drama began.
The only bright side is that I had no plans to act on it. I’ve had plans many times and this time all I had was the feeling that I would deserve it if I went to sleep and never woke up again.
This feeling did pass after about 24 hours, but since then I’ve been completely lacking in energy and motivation. I’ve done the bare necessities, but mostly I’ve spent my time lying down staring at walls. I feel like there’s no point continuing medication because even though changes sometimes help short-term, I always come back to the point of feeling terrible and wishing to die.
I was supposed to see Brent today. When I came in for that emergency appointment 2 weeks ago he said to keep the one that was scheduled for today, so I showed up there 15 minutes before my appointment time. His nurse called me back to her office, and asked if I had an appointment for that day. Ummm… I said yes, that it was supposed to be at 10:30, and when she looked up my name and saw the list of my appointments it was on there, but on her list of people who have appointments today, it was not. I was the third person so far today that had this happen.
She was flailing helplessly. Brent was overwhelmed. People were chewing her head off. I am not one of those people. I could see that it would be a real burden on them if I insisted on being seen, and I asked if they could fit me in Friday if that would be better. She asked how I was doing and I told her I’d been a little suicidal a few days ago but it passed. She was hesitant to make me wait, and asked multiple times if I would promise to call her if I had a problem between now and Friday. I swore that I would be fine, and accepted an appointment at 3:30 Friday (but if I show up any time after 1 they’ll try to squeeze me in earlier).
I know what it feels like to have your job imploding around you. One particular person at work was on my nerves Monday, and by the end of the day I refused to go back to that floor because I was afraid I’d punch her if I went near her. I am usually very good at being nice to someone’s face no matter how irritating they might be, but I was past my breaking point by then.
I feel good that I felt confident I’d be okay if my appointment were postponed. It helps a little that I see Sadie later today (and have the exciting plan of taking my cat along for her to meet), but mostly I’m in a good mood even if my energy level is crap.