When I saw Brent on Friday I reported being exhausted and unmotivated for the past week. I’ve done the basic necessities, but otherwise spend most of my time lying around like a useless blob. I didn’t refer to this as depression, but he did. Then he proceeded to make no changes and tell me to come back in a month. He did mention both Lamictal and Wellbutrin as things we could potentially increase, but not right now as “it’s only been a week”.
I’m to call sooner if things get worse, but I’m not clear on how much worse. I feel like crap and I’m crying several times a day. I still go to work, but yesterday I kept thinking about walking out in the middle of the day. I don’t want to die, but I also feel like things will never improve. I want to go off my meds since clearly it’s pointless to take them. I keep thinking about cutting myself. I don’t really feel the urge to do it but I keep wondering if it would make me feel better.
I’ve wanted to see Deputy Wayne again for over a year. About 6 months ago I learned it might be possible some day, and now I’m less than a week away from it actually happening and I’m dreading it. I don’t want him to be disappointed that I’m still struggling so much. I’ve actually considered skipping the event, but I’ll feel guilty letting my issues get in the way of someone else’s happiness. Then again, I don’t feel like this person has any reason to care whether I’m there.
I feel terrible that I still see Sadie weekly and Brent monthly. Even though I want to see them it feels like a failure that I need to.
Nothing is actually wrong with my life at the moment. I have no reason for feeling so lousy. I am worried that if I don’t start feeling better fast I am going to end up screwing up the job that I finally enjoy. I mean, I’m not enjoying it this week, because I’m not enjoying anything, but overall I’m glad to have the job.
Exactly 2 years ago today was my first inpatient admission. I guess I should be grateful that I don’t need to be there now. I feel horrible, but I’m not unsafe.