11 days ago I called and left a rambling message for Brent about feeling worse and fearing that I was going to screw up my job and could we please do something about this before April? His nurse called me back and after some phone tag she interrogated me about what was going on and asked me to hold on a moment while she went to talk to Brent. He didn’t want to change anything without seeing me, but they squeezed me in for an appointment the next morning.
10 days ago I saw Brent, for the 4th time in a month. I repeated all the information on how I was feeling and he said we could either increase Lamictal or Wellbutrin, but that his preference would be Lamictal. I had mentioned the persistent thoughts of self-harm, and he thought it would help with that. So we agreed to increase my total daily dose to 75 mg, with 50 mg in the morning and 25 mg at night, because I said that it tends to give me difficulty with sleeping if I take it too close to bedtime.
I went ahead and took the extra 25 mg for that morning when I got home, so today makes the 11th day on the new dose. For the first several days I was feeling rather agitated and irritable, and my pre-existing urge to run away from everything I attended was persisting. I want to say there’s been a hint of improvement since then, but I can’t put my finger on what has improved. I guess maybe that I’m really not thinking about self-harm all the time, but it’s hard to see that as improvement when I actually acted on it for the first time in 5 months.
I still have no motivation, but I’m trying to force myself to do things anyway. Basic life necessities, like helping with the dishes or doing the laundry or taking a shower before going out in public.
It’s 11 more days until I see Brent again. I don’t think we’re done adjusting the medication yet.