I didn’t have therapy last week because Sadie was off work. It was sort of a test run for the every other week method, which we’ve tried unsuccessfully in the past. This time around, I was finally feeling ready to try it, whereas in the past I was reluctant. However, it was a really rough week and I don’t know anymore how it’s going to go to see her less.
I had one evening in which all the hope I had for job hunting and college and general life improvement came crashing down. I’d done a lot of “life management” that day, and the prospect of having to deal with that sort of thing on a daily basis was overwhelming. I was crying and thinking about how wrong Sadie and Brent are to say that I could work full-time. I was thinking about taking too much of my medication, which was actually possible to do since I’d been feeling so much better that Sadie called mom and told her to let me have my medication back.
Then I was crying even more because I have this list of people I can supposedly contact in a crisis but I felt like there wasn’t anyone I could actually contact because they’d all just be fed up with me for intruding on their lives. After many hours I was over the crying, but still needed to talk to someone. Deputy Wayne had told me I could call either him or his wife if I needed anything, and I wasn’t about to call and he doesn’t reply to texts, but I did text his wife. I was worried that she’d be irritated he volunteered her for that, but we ended up texting for a while and even made plans to get together a few days later.
Our conversation went well, but she is very religious and I am not, and although she said she wouldn’t push it on me I felt a little uncomfortable. I wondered if I was talking with her for the right reasons. I like her and want to get to know her, but was I really doing it because of her, or because of her husband? If the latter, I feel like that makes me a horrible person.
In the meantime, I may have accidentally gone on a date. I’m not sure, because I’d never been on a date before and the situation was kind of weird. A guy I know asked me if I wanted to hang out, and although I never say yes to spontaneous plans I had a built-in end time due to a meeting for work, so I agreed to meet him at Dunkin’ Donuts. I was thinking on the way there that it was obviously just friends hanging out, because he has a girlfriend. Then he told me that he broke up with her.
He talked a lot, and I didn’t get to say much in return, and then some friends of his happened by and they were very dominating. I ended up driving him home because he had walked there, and he mentioned possibly going to a movie sometime. My panic system went off. He’s a very nice guy, but has a lot of baggage. We are completely opposite. Yet I believe that people deserve to get a chance to straighten out their lives.
I spoke with my best friend about it, and although she told me what I’d already been thinking, I hated what she had to say. She told me not to get involved until he had his life straightened out, and what that said to me was that people don’t deserve love until they have everything together. Given that I don’t have everything together and don’t foresee when I will, I started crying over the fact that I don’t deserve love either. The idea of overdosing was back at the front of my mind.
Someone commented in her blog recently that she gets more anxious in the evenings. I notice that my emotions tend to go haywire in the evening as well. All the little things that I could handle earlier in the day start piling up and bringing me down. I have fortunately learned to use the Moment to Pause skill to stop and identify what is triggering the feelings, which lets me recognize that it will seem less overwhelming after I get some sleep. If it’s too early for sleep, then I find a distracting activity, such as coloring or scrapbooking, to fill the time.
I had asked Sadie if we could go over the Interpersonal Effectiveness skills again because I rarely mark them down on my diary card. I may be using them, but not consciously and I can’t name what I’ve used because they are all a big jumble in my mind. Funny that before we even got to do this I wound up in two messy interpersonal situations.