An Embarrassment of Tears

When discussing Piles of Paperwork about a week ago, I mentioned that I was planning to end therapy after my treatment plan expires in three months.  I commented to close friends on Facebook that I was facing the challenge of lying to Sadie for three months so that she won’t stop me from leaving.  Their outrage was amazing, and multiple people insisted that I really needed help and should find a new therapist, which I am unwilling to do because I’m not going to start over telling some stranger all about me.  I did reluctantly admit that there are a couple of people who aren’t entirely strangers, but did not like the idea of seeing any of them.

Wednesday afternoon I headed into my appointment with Sadie, and told her that my friends were upset with me because I had told them I planned to stop seeing her in three months.  I said that therapy didn’t seem that helpful anymore.  She told me that I was being dishonest with her about my reasons, until I said that it seems like she wants me to go away and if she doesn’t think I need help then I can’t imagine her actually being helpful when I do.  She said, “So you got your feelings hurt?”  I was a little choked up saying all this, but managed to suppress it.

I told her I’d planned to lie to her for three months, not wanting her to know that I still have suicidal thoughts all the time.  She commented on how I’d been doing better and wanted to know how long the thoughts had been a problem again.  It had been at least a couple of weeks at that point.  She probed about why I was feeling so hopeless again, and I told her that I’m a worthless monster.  I tried to explain, but I’m pretty sure I was incoherent for the next 10 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably and babbling in disjointed, incomplete sentences.

This was the first time I’d ever shed more than a single tear in front of her, and to me the session felt like a trainwreck.  To her it seemed productive.  She asked me what was so bad about crying in front of her – she hadn’t laughed or made fun of me and the world hadn’t ended.  Although I can objectively see that those things didn’t happen, what did happen was that I felt extreme embarrassment at how weak I was for losing control.

I fear that, now that I cried once, every session is going to be full of my blubbering.  I fear that I’ll also cry in front of Brent when I see him in a few days.  I don’t know what to say to him.  I suspect he’s going to be upset with me when he hears how intense the suicidal thoughts were and that I didn’t call for help.

One friend suggested that it might be comforting to take my cat to therapy again next time.  I doubt she’d be much comfort to me, considering that last time she spent the whole session curled up in Sadie’s lap.

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One thought on “An Embarrassment of Tears

  1. Pingback: Wandering Restlessly | Stuff That Needs Saying

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