The last time I made a Safety Plan I did it in an appointment with Sadie. She had asked me to bring in some possible templates to use, and the one she preferred started with 3 lines for listing “Warning signs that a crisis may be developing”. One of my warning signs is “start making suicidal comments to mom”. The day before I overdosed last year, mom asked, “What am I going to feed you?” and I replied, “You could feed me all my pills.”
Last night we were in the car on the way home from a family event, and the topic of death came up. I’ve been feeling a bit hopeless about the possibility of life ever improving enough to be worth living, and made some comments about not wanting to outlive mom. She said, “You’re going to outlive me by 20, 30, 40 years.” 40 years, even if she died right now, would make me 75 years old. I’ve never wanted to live past 50.
I didn’t tell her that I’m feeling down, but I got home in the evening and wrote in my journal about how there’s a month’s worth of Wellbutrin on the kitchen table that hasn’t been locked up yet, and I don’t understand why I’m not just swallowing the whole bottle. I don’t feel depressed. The two stressors in my life are my work and mom’s health, and both are in a state of wait and see. I’m not curled up in bed or pacing the walking trail while I sob and ramble incoherently to myself. I shouldn’t be thinking about death, but I am.
I can’t imagine a future in which I’m worth anything. I can’t imagine having strong friendships, a romantic relationship. I can’t imagine accomplishing anything of value. I can’t imagine feeling joy to counteract the accumulated misery of the past.
It’s almost two full weeks until I see Sadie again. She asked me a few days ago if the two-week gap between appointments was okay. She mentioned having a few openings this coming week. I told her I could wait until the one we already had scheduled. Here’s the problem: I don’t feel like I can ask for help anymore. Waiting two weeks makes me feel like I shouldn’t need help at all. If I can do two weeks, why not three or four? Why not discontinue therapy altogether? I certainly can’t contact her in-between appointments and ask if she has an opening. I’m supposed to be better.
We took the goal of reducing risk of self-harm and suicide out of my treatment plan, because it wasn’t a concern anymore, but that’s a lie. It’s always going to be a concern. It doesn’t matter how well things go in my life, I am always going to consider suicide an option.