I keep a restricted journal elsewhere on the internet, where I post the contents of my paper journal. A couple of days ago, I posted one that mentioned having done something bad (no further elaboration taking place here), and promptly got a comment about it from someone who I wasn’t even aware was actively reading my journal. I had a horrible flashback to 8 years ago.
8 years ago, a friend on that same journal site had made a post where people could comment and she would tell something she admires about them. What she said to me was that she admired how honest and open I am in my journal. Fast forward a month or two, and I made an honest and open post which got a comment from her about how she couldn’t stay silent anymore about that topic and how much she hated me for it. Then she removed me from her friends list.
During the same period of time, in which I was experiencing an unrelated severe depression to the point that campus police were sent to check on me, I lost several other friends for vague reasons that boiled down to “I really haven’t liked you for a long time, but I’m just now saying it.” Is it something wrong with me that makes people silently fume about things for months or years and then abruptly cut off contact without giving me the opportunity to correct the situation? I really think that’s their issue, but it happens to me so often that I wonder why I’m defective.
At any rate, I had a flashback to that time period and had a meltdown about what an awful, worthless person I am. How I will never be able to make up for all the things I’ve done wrong. I laid in bed crying and thinking about potential medications to overdose on. I thought about cutting myself and seeing the badness bleed out of me. I managed to go to sleep after a couple of hours of this, and the next morning I awoke and cut myself for the first time in nearly 4 months.
It was a minor cut. I was too scared to press hard with that sharp, sharp blade. It still bled enough to need a bandage, but what I was really fantasizing about all that time was watching the blood run down my arm and being unable to stop it and needing stitches. The next morning, I was criticized for something that was an unintentional mistake with mitigating circumstances, but the shame overwhelmed me and I did it again. Still just a minor cut, but the rest of that day I kept receiving more and more criticisms, this time for things that weren’t even wrong to do, and I had to fight to keep my hands off that blade the rest of the day.
What did I do instead? Retail therapy. I had been thinking for a while that it was time to get a new phone (I was eligible for an upgrade 5 months ago). My phone has started to lag a lot, and I’m getting frustrated with trying to use it. By happy coincidence, I also found out there was 3x as much money in my checking account as I thought, and it seemed the perfect time to splurge a little. So I’m retiring my Droid Razr Maxx HD tomorrow and playing with a new Droid Turbo instead. I’m sure I will end up beating myself up over making a purchase to make myself feel better, but at least for a few days I’ll be distracted by installing all my apps and getting everything set up just the way I like it.